Melt Down Moment

I have had a bit of a mental meltdown today. I have been feeling really sorry for myself lately. Sorry, that's just how I am feeling! I know people have way worse problems then little old me, but right now I am being a tad selfish. #1- Finances. I hate finances right now. I do NOT like being the provider for our family! I guess God knew what he was doing when he made me a woman. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping out and all. I just am stressed out that it is me who needs to be depended on for the essentials! It's a tad stressful. Not to mention I am the worrier in our household, so I feel like the world is coming to an end right now! January and February are my slow months! Pray for me, that I don't go on some psycho rampage where the poor Walmart checker gets the brunt of it! #2- Babies. I want a baby so bad it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I am devastated that I don't have one, or look to have one anytime soon. My heart is literally crushed. I watch 16 and pregnant and bawl my head off. Why do I watch it? I don't know, don't ask a psycho what goes on in their head, I just do!!! Have you seen that Christmas commercial with the babies sleeping to Silent Night? Yep, another faucet induced cry fest. Believe it or not I just started crying writing about it. Did you know my son will be four in May? It's breaking my heart. I know I should be happy that I have any children at all, but I feel like somethings missing. This is my biggest heartbreak in my life right now :( #3-Sickness. This is a vent, sorry but you're going to here it! I honestly always keep my kids home if they are sick (you can ask my friends). Why aren't other people this courteous? I DON'T LIKE SICKNESS!!!!! Please don't send your kids to School, Church, Dance, Parties, or any other place sick. Sometimes you have to miss things, trust me we've missed out on many things in our day. Life will not end if you miss something one time. You will also keep yourself from seeing my MEAN face. I have come accustomed to giving people insulting daggers when their kid is croupy coughing all over the place or yellow boogers are running out their nose. Trust me, it's not the kids getting the look either! Here's your Mother of the Year Badge! I hope you have a nice Christmas at the expense of your children and every other person you infect!!!! (Sorry, it's harsh but this is truly how I feel...... better to know then to get offended when you see my MEAN face ;) #4- Hair. I hate my hair! There I said it. I think I have worn it down a total of 5 times in the past 6 months! Not to mention I can't afford to go get it dyed, so I am going to the grocery store this weekend to buy cheap store bought color! Yep, I am damaging the daylights out of my nasty hair! How do all of you hair dressers feel about that. I hate it, but oh well! My hair is hideous as is. Trust me I am not looking for compliments on my hair, so don't even attempt. I will scoff you and roll my eyes if you dare try. Just let me rant and put this down so I can look back on it in 20 years and see what a whiner I am being! I'm tired now, and my eyes hurt from crying about babies. I don't know what is wrong with me! I just feel like I had to get some things off my chest. They weigh me down and make me miserable. I can talk about most of this stuff with Bry, and I think he's sick of it. The baby one just causes fights to be honest, because I go a little nuts about it. I keep telling myself to chill out, that we are coming around the bend to better times. Why is it each time I get optimistic something else just comes up and smacks me dead in the face? I am seriously tired! My obstacle wall is getting higher and I need some climbing boots and some rope. I need to go to REI for Christmas :)